Jessica rode her bicycle through drizzle streaming from the sky like liquid smoke.
"I'm singing in the rain! Just singing in the rain! What a glorious feeling I'm, happy again!"
Water ran down her face, dripping off her nose. With a wry grin she stuck out her bottom jaw and blew, dislodging a threatening drop.
Some people would think I'm crazy to enjoy weather like this, she thought. But I think they're crazy!
She turned into her driveway, put her bike away, and walked toward her house. It was lemon yellow but the rain dulled its color. Beside the door Jessica stopped to smell a peace rose. She inhaled deeply, breathing in the delicious perfume and a petal full of collected rain water. With a laugh she started back.
Jessica went to the door, took out her key and inserted it in the keyhole. She turned the key to unlock the door. It stuck. She turned it the other way, the door locked with a click. Instantly she knew something was wrong. Her parents always locked the door when they left in the morning and she unlocked it when she came home. It was never open when she arrived in the afternoon. She took a breath and unlocked the door. Cautiously she creaked it open and peered into the hallway. She could not see anyone, but the navy blue heels her mother had worn to work that day were propped against the wall. At least it's not a thief, she thought. She went in, took off her battered tennis shoes and set down her backpack.
"Is that you, Jessica?" called her mother from the kitchen.
"Yeah. Why are you home early, Mom? Is something wrong?"
"I, I just thought you could do with some hot chocolate and toast. It's, so wet out today," she said.
"Thanks," said Jessica as she entered the kitchen, "but you didn't have to come home. I make myself hot chocolate and toast all the time."
She looked at her mother who sat hunched in their favorite rocking chair.
"Mom," said Jessica, her fear mounting, "you've been crying."
"Jessica, come sit in my lap," she said, her blood shot eyes beginning to fill.
Jessica sat down, remembering other times she had sat with her mother in that chair: when she was four and scraped her knee trying to ride her first bicycle, when she was eight and one of the girls at school had picked on her all day for wearing the "wrong" thing, and other times when she had just needed a cuddle. Jessica knew she had been nursed in that chair too, but she didn't remember that. It had been quite awhile since she had sat like that with her mother though. She was fourteen now and they were nearly the same size.
For a long time there was no sound but the steady drumming of rain on the kitchen skylight.
"Jessica, I want you to know that you are very loved. I love you, your father loves you, God loves you, you are surrounded by love."
Jessica searched her mother's face, terribly afraid of what she was about to say and praying there was no cause for her fears.
"Jessica," said her mother, her voice beginning to tremble, "It's about Emily. She was riding home from school today when a speeding car lost control going around a corner. It slid on the wet road and hit her. She was killed instantly."
Jessica wanted to smile, wanted to laugh, wanted it to all be a joke. But she knew it wasn't. Today her best friend had been killed.
"I'm sorry," said her mom, "I'm so sorry."
Jessica was stiff in her mother's cradling arms.
"I'm going for a walk," she said, disengaging herself.
"It's pouring out there. You'll catch a chill."
"I'll wear a jacket."
"At least tell me where you're going."
"I'm going to the beach."
"Please be careful."
Outside the rain had become a mist. All about her shapes were blurred and fuzzy.
Taking the path that wound behind her house, she fought her way through thickets of scotch broom. Dumbly, she walked past fields of salt grass, with their sharp swords now glistening with tears of moisture. She plodded down a small dune and along the beach where the shore was sandy. Farther on, the beach became rocky and cliffs of hard packed clay loomed overhead. Towards these she turned. As she walked, staring listlessly into space, the words of her mother ran over and over again in her head: "She died instantly. She died instantly. She died instantly. She died instantly." Jessica felt nothing. It was more than not feeling pain or not feeling joy. It was more than the absence of a feeling. It was the non-existence of feeling.
It took her twenty minutes to reach the cliffs, each minute exactly the same. Then, as the ground beneath her became uneven, she moved toward the vertical wall. Before her grew a wild current bush. Its aged branches spreading up and across, completely hid the cliff's base. Behind this bush Jessica and Emily once found a small cave. It had been hardly big enough to seat both of them, when they had managed to sit on the steeply sloping floor. Since then they had dug and molded it into a cozy room. The ceiling was about four feet high and there was enough room on the floor for both of them to curl up and sleep. Jessica climbed into the womb-like space and leaned against the wall. It seemed to hug her, as it was long worn to the shape of her body.
She stared in disbelief at the empty spot before her. How can she be dead, she thought. A tear ran down her cheek. She wiped it away, then let her hand fall to her side. It hit something metal. Startled, Jessica looked down and noticed a tin decorated with hearts, four leaf clovers, and pictures of Emily and her. Gently she opened it and took out the pen and pad of paper that were kept in there, for secret messages and things they had to tell each other, but for some reason couldn't in person. Jessica propped the pad on her knees and flipped to a blank page.
Dear Emily,
It's so strange your being gone. I can't believe that you're not coming back. I keep expecting you to come behind the wild current bush into the cave. That you'll come and tell me it was a mistake. That you're fine.
I know you won't though. I know I'll never see you again. It's not fair! I'm too young to loose my best friend. We didn't even get to say good bye. You're too young to loose your life. How can you be dead?
A tear fell on the page, wrinkling the paper.
I miss you. I miss you so much already. I guess it's because I know you won't be back.
I can't stand it! If that stupid person hadn't been going so fast you'd still be here! Or if it hadn't been raining, or if you hadn't ridden your bike, or even if you had been a little faster or a little slower. Of all the things that could have happened why did it have to be this?
What am I going to do without you? I'm so lonely. I'll never have another friend like you. I need you!
Sobs wracked Jessica's body. She closed her eyes. Wailing and shrieking she rocked back and forth. Tears ran down her face like rain and her nose was streaming.
She didn't know how long she cried but finally, slowly, she could cry no more. She gasped for air, let out a hiccupy sob, then went quiet. Again a cry escaped, but this time not so strong. Finally there was silence. Her face sticky with tears, she sat with her eyes closed.
Slowly, she opened her eyes. Nothing else moved. She was exhausted. For a long time she sat, looking at the bright pink flowers of the current bush.
Suddenly a hummingbird appeared. Jessica stared in wonder at the bird, less than an arms length away, as it darted from flower to flower. It seemed totally unaware of her presence. After it had drunk its fill it sat on a twig to rest. She could see clearly its green back and speckled throat.
How like Hummer it is, she thought. Hummer was the name of the wounded hummingbird Jessica and Emily had found. It had broken its wing trying to drink from the flowers reflected in the glass of Jessica's bedroom window. Everyone had said it would die, but Jessica and Emily had been determined to save it, so they took the bird to a local vet to get her wing splinted.
"I've never heard of a hummingbird that survived a broken wing," said the vet.
"Have you ever heard of somebody trying to save one?" said Emily. She was like that, chuckled Jessica. Arguing her case with a face of pure innocence, she smiled again.
The vet splinted the wing. Then Jessica and Emily made Hummer a box to live in. Afterwards they checked out every book on hummingbirds they could find at the library. They also brought Hummer out into the garden every day. Anything they could think of to help her heal they did. At first Hummer wouldn't eat, but miraculously, within a few hours of her injury she drank from the hummingbird feeder they had put in her box. It was as though she knew she was in loving hands.
Two and a half weeks later they brought Hummer back to the vet to get the splint taken off. The woman seemed surprised, and pleased to see them. Later that day they decided to set Hummer free in Jessica's garden.
"I was the first to hold her, so I want you to be the last," said Jessica.
As Emily opened her hands, Hummer zipped out, hung in the air between them, then darted away.
I felt like I was flying too, thought Jessica. And the way Emily's gray eyes shone, like sunlight behind the clouds... she smiled to herself.
A few days after they had set Hummer free, Jessica and Emily found her again, the victim of Jessica's cat, Scruffy. Jessica had started to cry, but Emily stopped her.
"Don't cry Jessica, Hummer's with God now."
Some time after that they had been sitting in the cave when Emily said, "I'm not afraid of death. God is always with us, but when we're alive we get too caught up with all our daily dramas to notice. When you're dead there isn't any homework or softball games or TV shows to distract you. When you're dead all you know is God's love."
Jessica stepped outside the cave. The clouds were gone. Crystal beads clung to the currant's pink flowers and dripped from its leaves. Beyond, the beach shone with the heightened colors of moist pebbles. A placid sea whispered against the shore. The sun bent low to kiss the horizon, making the sea sparkle, like snowflakes falling in a pure blue sky.